Not so Happy New Year

Well, I'm sure some of you have heard, but I just learned in the last few days, that Justin was in fact married the entire time we dated. My heart sunk as soon as I learned this, and I was basically in a state of shock- I didn't know what to do. We dated almost the entire time he was here, and kept in regular contact while he was in Afghanistan. I looked forward to his e-mails and skype calls, and sent multiple messages each week to keep him updated on things in my life and in Tata, never thinking that I was the third wheel on a long-established relationship at home.

I knew from the get-go it was a shaky idea to date someone who was deployed - but it was the fear of him entering a war zone that really scared me, not the thought of a wife at home. I was skeptical at first when he first sent me a text asking to do dinner, and even more so when he apologized for not kissing me after our first date and wanted a "second chance at a first kiss" (he was so nervous at the end of the evening that he basically ran out the door). But, needless to say, I fell for him. He had the number code to get into my apartment building (since he cat sat for Boo so often) and every time I heard the buzzer go off saying someone was coming to my apartment, my heart fluttered and I raced to the door to greet him at the top of the stairs. He'd scoop me up in a big burly "I love to lift weights" kind of way, and all my woes seemed to melt instantly.

We cooked together, took walks together, confided in one another (at least I did... he apparently didn't trust me) traveled together, laughed together, had awesome adventures, cared for each other and cried together before he left for Afghanistan. Now I'm realizing that he was probably crying out of guilt or fear of his wife finding out about me. Admittedly, he wasn't truthful about many things - in fact, I wonder if he's even in Afghanistan... He took a long time to tell me about his two year old daughter, but once I asked about "Parker's mother" he assured me that there was no current relationship - they were high school friends and they shared custody.

So much of his weird behavior now makes sense. I called his house to ask which plane he was returning from leave on and he absolutely freaked out. I looked up his address on-line to send him a postcard from Paris and since his wife is listed under his phone number (under her apparent maiden name), I asked about it and he wrote it off that in order to maintain joint custody, they both had to be listed on each address Parker lived in. He recently told me that they were no longer using SKYPE in Afghanistan because of too many dropped calls - yet other soldiers were calling their families and friends using SKYPE. In fact, he is "friends" on SKYPE with some of my students, and it was from them that I learned he was still accessible on the on-line phone system, even though he'd "deleted" me as a friend. Apparently he was freaking out that he is returning home soon and I was still part of his life. He knew that the other shoe was going to drop as soon as he got home and I planned a visit. Since he found out that I spoke with is wife, he has told me that I have mental issues, am a stalker and it's disappointing that I work with kids. All the words of a coward who is a pathological liar... interesting.

I have spent so many nights wondering why he "got weird" on so many different occasions in the past, and I always blamed myself for how he treated me. I must have done something wrong, I must have said something that made him angry. Turns out, he probably was realizing that he couldn't live with himself because he was lying to two people he supposedly cared about.

The last week has been particularly difficult, but probably not as much as it is for his wife. In reaction to the solidification of the fact that he is actually married - amazing what a few strategic searches and clicks can teach you on the internet - I sent his wife a facebook message. Justin always told me that he didn't have time for things like facebook, and yet here he was - with an on-line profile, and listed as married. So, I sent his wife a message, and told her that I had dated and in fact had an intimate relationship with Justin for several months. If I were her, I'd want to know about my husband's infidelities. Now, I'm not so sure if it was the best idea, but she deserves to be treated better, and to learn this information now before investing any more time in Justin. Certainly, it was not my place to tell her this information, but apparently Justin wasn't man enough to do it himself.

He is currently denying everything, which after taking into account his past behaviors doesn't surprise me, and I'm not sure how to "prove" that he did these things. Those of you who have read my blog faithfully (besides my mom and dad) certainly know that he was a major part of my life for the last nine months. I fell for him, and gave him my heart - and lost sleep while I worried for his life in Afghanistan. Even though we claimed that we'd be "just friends" when he left - part of me was so caught up in his charm that I always left the door open for when he returned.

I understand that deployment his hard - on both sides of the relationship. That does not give you license to begin, and maintain a relationship with someone new while you're gone. It's not like we had sex once and he felt guilty and broke it off. We actively spent any time he wasn't in the field or at the gym together. He risked getting in trouble by breaking curfew to stay with me, and texted me sometimes more than 10 times a day with caring "boyfriend" messages. It's amazing to me that he can be such a brave soldier and hero in Afghanistan (and previously in Iraq) and be such a coward in real life.

As my dad said, he'd probably be safer staying in Afghanistan than having to deal with the wrath of two angry women back home.

I doubt Justin will ever speak to me again, and I don't know what his future will look like, but I'm sure I'll never get the apology I deserve. He has already proven that he's a coward, and will most likely forget I ever existed - though I doubt his wife will forget so easily.

The thing I am most sad about for me - is that for someone who has been waiting for so long for her prince to come, and who already had commitment and trust issues, this has been a severe blow to my life - every aspect of it. I have had a really difficult time dealing with this, and though I joke that "not dating married men" is my New Year's Resolution, I am still quite hurt and humiliated that I was duped in the first place.

I am equally sad for Parker, who he legitimately loved with all his heart - and moreso for his wife who he has known for several years.

So - even though I'm not a religious gal, my plea to my readers is this: please keep Justin's wife Amanda, his daughter Parker, and me in your prayers as we all try to come to terms with one person's web of lies and selfishness. Hopefully 2010 will be a good year for me, but I can't imagine that breaking up someone's marriage is good karma for the start to the new year.